A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MY DAD

I am 'The Man’ of our family, not because I exhibit any truly masculine traits or because our family follows any particular social constructs that grant me this position, I am 'The Man’ of the family simply because my bits are different to the rest of the family.

Whilst this position has it’s perks, for some reason I have always been given the job of purchasing feminine hygiene products (FHP) when required. Demand for these products invariably comes at the most inconvenient times and action must be taken swiftly and with no complaint.

There was a period, or should I say experience, some time ago when I was awoken on a cold winter morning, way too early for a man whom had very little planned for the day. It was one of my favourite girls yelling 'Dad, supermarket, NOW’. I knew exactly what this meant and as I sleepily crawled out of bed and put my clothes on from the previous day that had been left by the bed I wondered to myself - how on earth did I become the FHP Whisperer?

Arriving at the supermarket the real challenge was to come. I can never remember the preferred brands and generally choose the product based on which one has the most interesting graphics on the packaging. To prevent any problems I usually get several different brands. Choices made, I proceeded to the checkout that was operated by a girl of about 16 years of age. Embarrassed, she kindly asked if I would like the item to be put in a brown paper bag and I asked if she did it for other items. She said 'No’. I said 'Don’t bother’.

All of a sudden I felt something moving in the leg of my pants. Fearing it was a spider I panicked and I think I even squealed as I kicked my leg violently into the air. Then my underwear from the previous day came flying out of the leg of my pants and soared at least 10 feet into the air. The shop assistant and I watched as the momentum of the underwear was equaled by gravity and for what seemed to be the longest time they just floated there. Then they fell and for some time, she looked at me, I looked at her, and then we both looked at the underwear covering the EFTPOS machine, until finally she said "Will that be savings or credit, sir?"

Klaus and Dad